Gross Pigs

Listen. I love my Frenchies. They are fabulous and adorable and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They are hilarious and ridiculous and so sweet. They are the light of my life and the joy of my joys and they bring brightness to even my darkest of days.

But! Buuuuut! They are also disgusting.

In fact, on a scale of 1-10 of the ‘Gross-O-Meter’ (1 being the lowest, and 10 being the highest) with the average dog sitting maybe at a 2/3… Oslo & Jersey (and I say this with a heart full of love) are easily a 7/8. The only thing more gross is perhaps an extremely ill-bred English Bulldog, or one of those unfortunate dog-like creatures that compete for the ‘World’s Ugliest Roadkill Dog’ at the Sonoma-Marin County Fair every year (sorry!).

5 minutes ago, for the 5th time in as many days, I found myself yelling out the words, “Stop barfing on my FLOOOOOOOOR!” to a couple of dogs who had gotten too silly & playful immediately after dinner and were now regurgitating all over the kitchen. Arg! And that’s not even the “gross” part! Then- they started eating their barfed-up-food! …… But wait- That’s not even the gross part! The gross part is that I didn’t stop them. I let them eat up their barfed-up food because their goddamn food costs me a fortune and I can’t stand seeing it ‘go to waste’. Plus, I am just too lazy to feed them AGAIN. So they ate all their barf, while I stood over them muttering angrily and shaking my head.

Oh, and then there’s Jersey who had runny poops for literally the entire first YEAR of his life. I tried all the secrets (pro-biotics, pumpkin, multiple vet visits, parasite testing, medication, diet changes– whatever!) to no avail. I simply came to terms with the fact that my dog had soft poos. But here’s the real gem of the situation- every time he’d go poo, he’s get wet, smeary crap all down his backside… so guess who got to wipe her dogs bum thoroughly after each outing?

And then there is the farting.. the AUDIBLE farting. I am so familiar with the smell of my dog’s farts that I can tell you which dog dealt which odour.

How about the daily wiping out of their FACES to prevent moisture building up and yeast infections. Yes. Yeast infections. In. Their. Faces.

Oh, and Oslo can’t do his poops in one place. No, sir! He has to walk around while he does it, while (strangely…) perfectly round, hard balls of poop tumble out, leaving a trail behind him. He also won’t do it someplace relatively polite, like in some grass, near a tree… Oslo likes to do his business in the middle of the sidewalk. Or! Even better- while crossing the street at a crosswalk, as cars are waiting for us & the drivers are shaking their heads in disapproving disgust. So awesome!

Jersey gets lip pimples. And I have to admit here.. I do find a certain small pleasure in popping them.

Oslo gets this funky waxy cheese-like build-up between his tight little toes that I have to wipe out… Which he hates and fights me over by kicking his ridiculous little feet & giving me the stink eye.

Don’t get me started on how ‘gay’ for each other my dogs are. I literally have to separate them at night because they will keep me up for HOURS humping each other, licking each others penises, chattering their teeth, grooming each other, and generally being engrossed in one hell of a sordid love-affair the likes of which I can only ever DREAM of encountering for myself.

God- there’s so much more. I could go on and on and on. But you know what is the most insane thing of all? Even more insane than cleaning  up barf and face-yeast infections and marble-turds all over the sidewalk? The most insane thing is that I wouldn’t change ANY of this for the world. I read stories like Bo’s, or I think about my old dog Ben who I had to put to sleep in July 2010… and I realize how fortunate I am to have these guys and how short their time on this planet with me truly is. My dogs, even with their horrible, gross little quirks are the best dogs in the whole wide world.. and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.


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